Sunday Post

Over the past few days, I've come to a realization. Through song.

So, this post is going to seem dumb because I really just need somewhere to write what I felt about myself as I listened to this song, lyric by lyric (sort of).

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I've never really wanted stand out. Ever. I mean, I wanted to leave a mark on the world, but I wanted to be the fire that no one knew about. But for some reason, I've been picked out of billions for some things. I also never wanted to be by myself. I guess that's part of why I created all my characters. I can talk to them whenever I want. about anything. That's part of the reason I've been wanting to be closer to God-my characters don't always know what to do, and they don't actually influence me. And He can actually help me.

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I used to feel like I had to impress everybody. I felt like I was on a pedestal, that everyone else had put me on, that I never wanted on in the first place. So I kept doing what I thought **I** wanted, but it was really just what everyone else wanted. Yeah, I wanted to help people, but I was doing it for my benefit and to see what I got out of it. That doesn't sound right in my head, but whatever. Mostly, I was high on fulfilling people's expectations. And then that got old. And I didn't feel good about it anymore.

I don't wanna be the girl that has to feel the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth

When I was by myself, or just being quiet, I was going over things I had done. I knew they weren't right. My mistakes were being pointed out in front of me, every time I knew something was bad and still did it, every time something contradicted what was left of my conscience.

Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
Cause I won't remember, save your breath, cause what's the use?

I got queasy every time something I did was brought up. But I played it off, I wore a mask (as best I could). I made it a joke, to make myself feel better about it.

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly come and play
I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I was letting myself be put into instances that I knew weren't right. I had excuses for why I was technically hurting myself.  I guess once I realized I could help myself by letting Him help me, I could make myself a better person.

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' round, spinnin' round spinnin' round
Lookin' for myself, sober

My Realization brought me down. It took me down from the pedestal I didn't know who had built. I didn't want to feel like I did anymore. I wanted the great feeling, without the underlying striking of guilt. I wanted my own happiness.

How do I feel this good sober?

II didn't know how to make myself feel better. I was essentially lost.
And then I let God into my life.
Now, I just...IDK. I look back and don't really regret it. I'm glad I have something to look back on and make me realize what I overcame, that I can weather whatever storm is thrown at me. I feel great.

Song is Sober by P!nk.

Tata!
P7

P.S. I'm starting a blog where I'll be posting EVERYTHING I've written. I'm going back on the whole "not standing out" thing. You can see it  here . Also, Mama, don't say I KNEW IT for some of them. Please?